Personal Narrative Essay

 Barazar, Malique Iljanah C.

Personal Narrative Essay

“Fear comes from distrust of yourself and anxiety of the unknown.”

A deafening pounding in my chest resonates as I start to close my eyes and feel the rhythm from the acoustic guitar that serves as the flavor of my extemporaneous speech—spoken poetry from a provincial competition in my hometown back in Bulacan (BulPriSA.)

Fear—it does not come from God; it shook me awake with the possible disgrace of failure. It was as if a mocking warning, telling me that everyone is ahead of me and greater than myself. Before I step on my own battlefield I was thinking it's going to be real bad and hard. Years have passed with me not being able to give it my all. Years where I was constantly fooling myself. Deep down, I pondered and envied my peers—thinking of ways I could be as good as they are.

Some might argue that grades are just numbers, and so is money. Realistically though, we value our grades and money. As well as the stereotype that one of the ways to know someone is if they have great marks, or if they spend their money well. But here’s the thing: will grades matter if you risked your integrity and honesty—your principles as a person for it? Would a matter of a heavier purse mean more, if it means that you’ll have to resort to trickery and deception? And it might sound righteous—but I’d rather fail all of my classes than cheat. I’d rather sink than rise at the expense of indulging my ungodly desires that would do me no good in the end.

I once—still is, seeking personal breakthrough...numerous fasting and consecration answered them. I remembered a passage wherein God promised that the wisest man next to Him was King Solomon, and I once asked God to be next wise person to King Solomon. “You cannot build or find yourself on your own.” You can only be built in Christ. Religion will not save me but it takes a religion to establish an intimate relationship with Him— in that, I found identity and purpose; a sense of perseverance and intergrity. I felt loved and secured. “Mahal ako, dahil kamahal-mahal ako.”

What separated me from cheating—how did I go against the current?  There was a time when we were having a quiz and it was in a subject that gives the most difficult quizzes. I know for sure—after memorizing and studying a lot—especially terminologies, my efforts were in vain as I failed to pass the quiz. Yet suspiciously at the same time, some of my classmates aced it easily. This happened not only once, and not only in this particular subject. Upon a bit of digging up, I found out that the other block was involved with the so-called incidents, which led me to alarm one of my professors and it ended up being a big issue. Again, some might argue that I was only being “bitter”, but no. I was once there. I was once the cheater. And nothing can ever justify cheating—for there is no middle ground for it. That’s why I chose to rectify it. 

Cheating is easy, peeking at your classmate's paper is a simple task; fishing for answers is easy—there will always be tons of ways to find an opportunity and cheat. You know what’s not easy; to study hard. What made me stop cheating and what made me learn to say no? The answer is easy yet hard at the same time. What I needed was a complete change in perspective and a whole lot of faith. I realized that grades must not be the one I risked for, as well as the I should follow. It should be God, Himself. And he does not condone cheating. He does not tolerate evildoings. This is what I tell myself every time I’m close to going back to what my past entails.

“Do you really have to change? Is change required or important?”

Your forgiveness is absolute, it is not dependent on what you have done. It is dependent if you have received Jesus in your heart. If you surrendered everything unto Him.

Back then and until now, I was never a fan of procastinating and pending, I liked doing everything advance ahead of me, so I can have more time to rest. The only thing I can earnestly wait for is the season of respawning. All of it while others make haste and cram. Iba ang nagagawa ng tiyaga. It taught me to study smart and hard.

God will break every piece of you, to the point of you not being able pick it up on your own, because it is God who will pick you up and rebuild you out of his steadfast love. Like an uncooked egg was fragile, porcelain and almost perfect—in your perspective. Still, God started to break the egg, turned into omelette, scrambled or sunny side-up. 

Which is way more creative and beautiful than from it was. God's plan can never be measured by who you are today. 

Change is not a requirement for salvation but change is the evidence that shows who your master will be.

After pondering and observing students greater than me, it made me realize that the only person I can compare is my old self and the current “me.”

I started to do total surrender, with things out of my control.

I started to turn my back from who I was. 

I started casting all my fears to Jesus. 

I started laying down my everyday struggles knowing I am nothing apart from Him. 

He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. Life with Christ is not a life of perfection but a life of progression. And I was, is and will always be the person who falls in love with the process.